Happy Birthday Jo Jo

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"Scgoin mate?".... "Where the bloody hell are ya?"

"Scgoin mate?".... I said "Scgoin mate?" Don't know what I'm saying? You must be from Sydney!

The central coast may only be two hours outside of Sydney, but like inhabitants in the east, they too have their bubble world. People must be busy as a one armed brick layer in Baghdad as they have had to overcrowd what would customarily be a four word sentence into just one word. To epitomise, "Scgoin" is what you and I would know as "How are you going". It's quick, it's easy, I'm all over it.

In Gwandalan, it's all about the bowling club! Pronto, the whole room dog eye you as you infiltrate the parimeter, this could be the fact your the only person under 64... which makes for an easy pick up, score!

Seriously, most people are so old if they ordered a three minute egg you would ask for the money up front. It's like being in a instalment of Cheers, everyone knows everyone. I was only in there for two minutes before Barry proclaimed " Your from Sydney, I know everyone in this town but I don't know you!" Ten minutes later we were sharing a table watching the footy together. One thing I notice about old men, they are fond of giving advice to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples.

What's my point, visit the central coast today, goodtimes.

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Jabber and the Fish - Falls Festival

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What Really Grinds My Gears!

Good Evening I'm Peter Griffin and welcome to another edition of 'what really grinds my gears.'

People and their bubble worlds. The Shire folk do it, so too do the East. You'll tour the otherside of the world but you won't dare travel out of your own suburbia! Next reality tv series, a bus load of eastern suburbians dropped off at Cabramatta as our camera's pursue them on their journey of survival in the heart of western Sydney.... Travelling is another thing, just because you did Europe does not mean your worldly and knowledgeable in life. Your still the ignoramus kook you were before you left, just now your impregnated with irritating stories.

Extravagant restaurants! Wow, you went to Che Che El Chop House, super. Sorry, where.. Oh, down at Oh La Frou Frou, wow!! Pffit, give me a schooner of belly wash and a feed at greasy spoon anyday. Sure I enjoy a good cook shack everynow and then too, but paying $42 for prawns and two pieces of asparagus, well, isn't that just spit on your neck kick you in the crotch fantastic! What's underneath those prawns, $40 bucks?

The positive spin. Yes I agree, life is a garden, dig it. But if I want to be antagonised for 5 mins, let me be. I know it is the Aussie way to find good in everything, but come on, a bird crapping on the side of my noggin, how is that good luck. Yes, I heard you, I am so lucky. Well seeing you think it is such a bonanza, here you go, what kind of karma will that give you. Sorted.

Girl on girl, wow, you kissed Stacey. Your so cool!... wait, sorry, I meant no, no your not, yeah,sorry about that....Anyway. There are not many girls who haven't had some inverted participation. Just because 10 beefcakes chanted kiss until you and Stacey pecked for 1 second at the local disco tech is not something to go bragging around Metopolis about.... and those that do have a story worthy don't. Did I mention I hate people like you, sorry, where are my manners, I left that part out too.. Ehhem, fuck you and your cat.

Bono.... I know some people love him. In fact he's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Ugh. U2's early stuff was good, but I guess I just don't really like my music and politics together. It just ends up sounding like I'm paying money to be whined at. And leather pants, really? You can't be taken seriously as political activist wearing them, no one notices the fact your shrinking your balls for world peace.

Oh and it was Movember last month... see! Yes, at times cheese stuck to it..

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You, Me and Andrew Gee!

An old fashion work function, good stomping ground, gratis on the firewater, but let's add alittle seasoning to this banquet.

For instance Hickey, your now 'Stem, who's procreator invented a B grade version of grip ball and you actually think this is something of a chick magnet.'

'Fish, your now Lacy Gee.. Andrew Gee's cousin, who tailgates him around so much some think your actually hankering for more than the odd family Bbq.'
It was all going so well, the photographer was suddenly hooked in tagging along to take pictures of us hanging with Lacy Gee... that was until Mr Gee himself decided to make an appearance.

Arriving just in time to do a native tongue chalk talk and giveaway some prizes, I was about to visit slumberland for the local siesta until a juiced Stem came to life and began to holler the words ' Lock it Up ' to Mr Gee... and the 200 or so people. It certainly worked, Gee's speech got stuck in gridlock as he bartered words with Stem, which sorry mate, you came off second best in. Nice work though, I had a good time with that one. ' Lock it Up.'

Lacy was instantaneously pulled away to have a Kodak moment with her cousin Gee, abit of a kooky family reunion considering she's a piece of family stock he never met before... The merrymaking w

as laid bare and it was time to fess up, Gee was all smiles and even agreed to still get a family photo. 'Good bloke?'

I was beginning to change my head set on him...that was until he told 'Lock it Up boy' and crew to get out of the shot, there was only enough room for him and Lacy.... tell you what though, those melted cheese balls, fucken rocking!...

You know who else rocked, this old crazy wig wearing French dude @ Coogee.

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Nauseous, hot flushes, head spins, can't eat... either I am pregnant or it's post grand final weekend!

Up for alittle lawn social, abit of coffee klatch, a soiree, a shindig... a hullaboloo... ok I think I made that one up. We all have a bender or two, but I appreciate the fact the boys accept the palpability we just might not make it back out functioning from this particular fiesta. You go, we go!

'97's' last minute try brought about 'the barley pop shower'.. D-train, acknowledge I said suds not bourbon. New carpet followed the week later.

'99'.. Does anyone remember it? I still envisage the dragons won..."Oh look he's holding his breath.. oh wait, no that's right...drunk people can't swim, shit he's drowning!"

'02' saw Wood Park leafless au-nateral sprints, also who did my belt up? Briggsy? - that could have easily been a discomforting death...

'03' was the disappearing act of the century, great stratagem boys!...Sorry but it's un-Australian to have a wedding on GF day!

'04' Concluded with the grandstand being burnt down...We have fire!...Timmo enjoyed dressing up as a girl alittle too much. Jabber, mate, you looked like a mistress on riods, you scared me!

'05' Our team won...I can say no more about this night! I said no more!

It's no secret this day comes with it's fair share of mortification. It's unwritten law to now allow for a day of suffering to follow. I am not a religious customer, yet seem to always find myself petitioning to the man upstairs to give me a one way ticket...

It's two days on and doing the rounds I don't know how many have said "I am never doing that again! I'm taking a break!" It's another post GF tradition.. Dave has even taken up Detox. Yeah, yeah, you all sound like my man Bradshaw with his after school specials. Alright, ' night mate', I'll still see you all next year, well played!

I enjoy when Mrs Hutcho gave us cheese and crackers when we watched the footy.

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Guess Who Championship 2006

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Gambling, strippers, FHM girls and a midget?

Wake up, my head is throbbing...

What a awe-inspiring kinky head trip... You were there! So were you! We were all in a strip club playing poker and blackjack against these surfers and footy players. FHM and Zoo manikins exibitioned around in cheeky sunday best meanwhile burlesque queens dramatise bump and grind shows on the numerous stages. Almighty cocktails flowed while a midget host boogied around dishing high fives each time he would slap a strippers derriere... what a fascinating dream....

Ah what's digging into me... gambling chips?? Hmm explains the tied up midget... eh, goodtimes... you know, I love toasted cheese, I could pretty much have it on anything really.

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Extreme sports ; Ultimate Frisbee!!... Really?

Thinking of frolicking in abit of sport this summer? Have a hankering to avoid ze fisticuffs in boxing, ze bell ringers from rugby, ze collision of bball or just can't be bothered diving and crying on the ground in soccer anymore.. then why not try the new razzle-dazzle craze sweeping the motherland... Ultimate frisbee!!!

A) Yes, this is real it is a sport . B) Yes, they did stick ultimate in the name to make it alittle more extreme!

Overview, two teams of seven players combine soccer, basketball, gridiron and netball into what they say is a elegantly simple yet fascinating and demanding game. Teams train nocturnally 3 nights a week in a effort to out skilll their adversary in speed, stamina and agility. There are leagues right around Australia with these Californian games loving bandits tossing every weekend.

It's taken so businesslike one might even unearth his room mate has a wall of frisbee's that can never be touched or used... Now that's ultimate! - that's really you isn't it Hickey??

So get your headband out, wack on those short shorts, pull up those knee high socks it's time to get gamesome and carouse down the park with the boys. Party on Wayne, Party on Garth!

http://www.whatisultimate.com/ and if looking to watch a game - Australian Leagues http://ufnsw.com.au/

Pizza is gold for the cheese factor...

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I dream of little men

I have a dream.....

It involves Jennifer Hawkins, Jessica Alba, a box of jungle monkeys and a toasted cheese sandwich!

I have a hankering to hire 8 midgets to fraternise in some tackle football while we sit back with a case of barley pops and enjoy the grandstand play. Ahhh summer loving, goodtimes! It was not until I came across www.rentamidget.com and www.hireamidget.com that I realised this pipe dream could in fact become a reality.

The site states you can enlist the pocket gnomes for shenanigans and tomfoolery... I think that covers my objective! So I looked into it, exchanged a few emails... at first I just wanted to see how they treat the elves, if they are seen as people or a product.

Product Wins! It's all kosher, I have been quoted $2,800 for 2 hours. So how do we bankroll this pseudo-event? Is it my turn to blueprint the next Carat function, what is our budget? Perhaps I can tie it in with an upcoming media campaign? Come on rep's, I will barter this instead of a inebriating lunch? People, get onboard!

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Farewell Nathan and Juzzie!!

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Is that a sex scar?

Kid's and alcohol.... yes folks it's a pubescent problem in today's society. It's not just the hangovers and the constant breach of the peace..No no no... just add some methanol moonshine for an emotional teen full of ramblings from I love you to reasons why your just another one against them in this world.

It's now unwritten law that my weekend will consist of a 2am wake up call from a pie-eyed melodramatic cousin. You see my predicament is I am forever in this 15 year old's debt, trying to find a way for him to pardon me for my crime. A moment which has left him scarred, literally. SORRY ( # 1,553 ).

No big deal really... Summers day at the beach back in 2000. Adam, 9 at the time and was in waste high water swimming when his miscreation of a dog hitched itself over his shoulders. As Adam stood up, this dogs paws slid down around his breadbasket and just like that, the over powering bearcat had him slightly bent in position 'ready to rumble'. So of course, to turn around and see Fido dry humping your 9 year old cousin is quite the showstopper... excuse me a minute...( play laugh track here )... sorry, just having flash backs!

What I did not know is while he was screaming out for my aid, the tail wagger, having such a merrymaking good time, was cutting it's claws into Adams chest and wounding him all the way down to his lower abdomen.

Six years on, he still has these sex scars and both he and I are reminded of this mournful period in his life for I was too busy falling over in howling laughter to help the lad out. I am apologetic... but really when you think about it, at 15 it's all about trying to impress the girls, what better way than with a scar! Footy wound...Motorbike crash... Anything is better than saying your flea bag dog did the dance of darkness with you 6 years ago.

Really you should really be thanking me, after all chicks dig scars! (Although not sure which ones?) So quit your sobbering tears, stop blaming me and start using this asset to your advantage and stealing some bases.... AND please, please, stop calling me at 2am! Actually you can help with the other 2am caller, start calling me on D-Trains ( Jabber ) phone, you have his number...

This image is for you Eliza Giddy - see, he still talks to me... hey can you cook me one of your cheese sangers?

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The elderly in the east just don't bake?

It appears my apprehension was amiss!

You see my apartment shares the same floor as two delightful doddering ladies. My theorization was that we would have that type of relationship where they would enthusiasticly listen for my return from work to surprise me with a home cooked pie or perhaps meatloaf ( Does anyone even make that anymore? ).

It would listen to their old stories and rants, maybe peek over some pictures, then BAM.. pretty soon they are offering to clean your place while your at work, better yet you have a caterer for your shindig with friends on friday...but zero, zilch, zip, zippo, zot! Just where have I gone wrong?

The fact that Old Woman A's bedroom wall also shares our bedroom wall presumptively does not help.... I'm talking about where the magic happens! No really, I got a do it yourself magic kit, I do atleast one act for Karren before we go to sleep.

But come on... it's 4 months in and not even one scone. I'm a loveable character... eh, well, enough to earn one scone atleast...so I am taking it the elderly in the east just don't bake?.. Like Peter Russell Clarke said, 'Where's the cheese?" I so confused, much like this guy ( view pic )

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Have your new girl call your ex!

Ruthless? Yes! Effective? Definitely! But like many, my man Ben had enough of his ex of 2 months...instead of more deliberation and ongoing signals, well, he went for his own battle plan! Ben had his new flame contact his ex and ask about his sexual preferences and what gifts she should get him. Needless to say it has been close to two weeks with no further contact, while his new courter is doing the procreative moves his ex once perfected. Double score!

Speaking of the ex's, it was the weekend for it. With my girlfriends ex joining the fire brigade and being stationed to work with / under my father.... remember, feel the door for heat Dad, I feel a backdraft plot coming on.

But a weekend highlight, the ex's new ' greatest boyfriend in the world ', who decided to abandon his lassie at home for a night attempting to pick up with the rest of the football boys. His only downfall, he had no idea whom my girlfriend was and decided she was his target. After attempt number four she had enough and thought she would introduce who she was..So smooth to silence in seconds. Nice to meet you too! Don't worry son, we won't dob you in...

Nice Ben, nice! And Jabber, stop calling me at 4:30am - from your mums house too!!?? How much did you love cheese sandwiches as a kid.

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Michael Franti to Whip Cream

Once more Michael Franti will return to weave his magical music conjuration over Australia, hitting September Sat 23rd. Playing with Blue King Brown, blah, blah... anyway! I am not working for Frontier Touring...

Recently some ignoramus gave me a free lecture on music, while I always rejoice in one's thesis into the world of music, making alikeness of Franti to a Barry White gone Jamaican.... well, really, let's just dislodge your pants and smack you right now! Aside from the disdainfulness, the mere mention of this soul populace reminds me of only one thing.... a room mate, a giant tarp, 4 cans of whip cream, candles and of course Barry White!

Hey I was gratified you sent me away, but you could have given me money for a movie and ice-cream like the parents do to the children on TV. But hey, it did take 3 days for the cream smell to go away, so guess we were even....sometimes it smelt like bad cheese, not melted cheese, but bad cheese.. Ah what was my point? Oh yeah, Franti is playing!

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Where the hell is Andy Rae??

"Hey Brad, I'm thinking of heading over to Jakarta for abit."

I am pretty sure the interpretation of the word 'abit' does not give one the allusion of 3-4 years. While enjoying this recreational recess of remedy sedative's and fornication, young Andy has decided to take his studies into the area of human reproduction.

Welcome Toby Rae!

Andrew, well, in my recapitulation your hands down father of the year!... Not content to let his new born son undergo the snip-initiation companionless, no no, at the enriched age of 25 Andrew will resign oneself to the same tender laceration.

Audacious, dauntless, herolike, lionhearted, venturesome or just plain ballsy? Whatever it is, I applaud your deed. Say goodbye to that headpiece it's time for your chief administrative to put his helmet on and join the rest of the troops.

Next time your here we can catch up over some toasted cheese or something...

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